Numb

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you”

I guess you always wonder why i loved this song so much. Its because of the hell you put me through all my life. I always lived my life to impress you. Each day i lived to get your approval and your love. Its ironic that you always talked of unconditional love which seized to exist that day you caught me kissing the only person i loved. You ganged up on me made me spend bitter cold nights in the hills being whipped, exposed to so much trauma by the so called prophets trying to exorcise the demon out of me. Tears are flowing right now as i recall how that other old man made me drink vile to cleanse my body. How could the woman who carried me for nine months hold me down as the so called sangoma cut my skin with razors to keep spirits away as my seemingly possessed grandmother jeered on. You made me go through all this because you weren’t willing to accept me as i am.
Now i have given you grandchildren you must be the happiest person on earth. You must be jubilating with your mother and sisters of the job well done in beating the crap out of me until i was straightened.

But guess what, you sucked the life out of me.
I feel sorry for the lady lying on my bed as i type this. She is an amazing woman who deserves to be happy but she is stuck with a zombie. you don’t how much pain i suffer as i pose as the perfect husband. Each time i make love to her in my mind i will be thinking of that kiss. That kiss that completed my world. That kiss that aroused feelings i never thought existed . That one kiss………..

I look at my kids each day. A blessing from above. i was about to put an end to the role play and thought of the pain, frustration the poor souls will have to endure………

thank you for the life sentence of living a lie. I am now just drifting through life , with the vivid memory of the only person i ever loved, but could never be with….Memories of his arms are the only sanity i cling on.
All i do now is sing

“I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you”

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