Growing up isolated in my own world I used to have problems with my gender identity. I felt like a girl trapped in a boy’s body. I prayed day and night about having an absolute identity. Like a little girl I pictured myself as a princess waiting to be rescued by prince charming. My dreams revolved around that perfect guy who would put a ring on my finger. He had to be handsome and stinking rich. We would travel the world, go for adventures together because he could afford.
The basis of my gender confusion was my attraction to people of the same sex. The only logical explanation I had at that time was maybe my male genitalia was wrongly assigned. Ironically I hated being called a girl. In short my life was miserable trapped in my little world. I resorted to day dreaming and wishful thinking. I knitted a perfect world of my own where I assumed any role I could.
Then puberty came along. I had waited as I hoped it held the key to my gender identity. Instead it compounded my misery. Finally it was clear that the feeling that I had since childhood were considered unnatural. They were intolerable and something I had to ashamed off. Each day a layer of shame and hatred accumulated over the other. Life became robotic, taking each day as it came. The day dreams and wishful thinking became nightmares. Closing my eyes filled my world with demons chasing after my blood. I was on the verge of giving up.
Then suddenly I realised that the more I fought myself, the more I got hurt. I was the victim of my every strike. I had to accept myself. I started reflecting on my identity. I was male was a starting point and was happy with who I was. I had a penis which I loved dearly and could not exchange it for anything. I saw my future bright as an independent hopefully handsome young man with the world at his feet. I was driven by my ambition and hunger for success. My life no longer revolved around the mythical prince charming in shining armour. I had a sense of responsibility and felt my destiny was in my hands. It was a refreshing feeling.
Then loneliness struck in. My sexual feelings had never changed and the testestorone was making them even more aggressive. I longed to hold someone and also be held. My lips desired a kiss and my body caressing. My attraction for people of the same sex was growing stronger each day. This however did not make me feel like a girl. I still felt strongly as a guy which was a good thing. My gender battle had finally ended and everything was becoming clearer. My sex was male and I also identified with the male gender, though I was attracted to people of the same sex. Growing up I longed to be identified as a girl because that gender identity was congruent with my sexual feelings. Fairy-tales, Hollywood and society had also made me idealize a girl’s life having to revolve around men. Achievement in the patriarchal society is measured on how your husband or boyfriend success overshadows your own achievements. Sadly I have noticed that the same trend in the LGBTIQ community. The so called queens fall victim to societal grooming of women. The more we identify ourselves with women the more we fit in the stereotypical roles. The dependence grows and we assume the extreme end of gold-diggers. Instead of focusing on our individual goals and having a clear plan of our lives, we suspend it and hope someone will take care of us.
The problem with being overly dependent is it means you are giving up your autonomy. The dependence makes you feel obligated to pay back or return the favour. It might even influence control over your sex life. You are disempowered to demand protective sex or even refuse when you do not feel like it. In other words you assume the stereotypical role of a dependant housewife whose life revolves around pleasing her man. I am grateful for that moment of enlightenment that rescued me from the vicious cycle of seeking dependence. My dreams are now dominated by being an equal partner or even a provider. My success and ambition keeps me going. A person’s wealth is no longer a priority whenever I meet interesting people. It has become secondary and I now treasure the substance of a person and the inner beauty. Wealth is no longer a priority because I dream and hope to provide for myself. All I will be looking for is for someone to share my life with. I have also realised along the way successful people are comfortable being around equal achievers or those with potential. In other words if you prioritise becoming independent and living by your own means, you attract equally minded people. However if your world revolves around being dependant you will scare successful people away because they will not feel secure around you. They will be that doubt on whether you love them for who they are or what they have. This is only my opinion and should not be adopted as universal rules or be a source of insecurity to anyone. I just hope it will empower and encourage young men and women to shape their future and have control over their destiny.