The great ordeal

They called me mother Mary. It was an official seal of humiliation and isolation. The sarcasm in their voices pierced deep into my heart and I wished I saw beyond their plastic smiles, sad faces and broken hearts before I became one of them…

Up to today I always ask myself what I did wrong. He was a true Adonis, perfection defined. The sight of him from afar made me long to speak to him but I pretended that he was too shallow for me and not worth my time and attention. I was headstrong and intimidated everyone to cover up for my vulnerability. I never allowed anyone too close to see beyond the steel veil not until that day. He walked up to me then he had the guts to call me proud and ignorant. That was a challenge by this egotistic chauvinist which I could just not let pass. I wanted to prove to him what an animal on the bottom of the evolutionary chain he was, which even dogs looked in disgust. My heart started beating fast as I tried to stand my ground and each attack seemed to excite certain emotions and feelings I never felt. Maybe my animal instinct was gaining dominance because his fiery eyes sent an electrical impulse down my spine which made my body explode. He showed strength, resilience like a sly male lion and I could not help it but succumb to his attacks which made me wonder if I had some subconscious masochism. I looked forward to a re-match which turned out to be several nights of dinners or story reading by his fireplace.

It was unexplainably, confusing and yet enticing how his character contradicted itself. In public he was the admirable tough guy and his chauvinist tendencies made you want to be vulnerable to his repulsive nature. Yet alone he was the most understanding, vulnerable and soft hearted guy you just want to cuddle and assure him consistently. I never felt so conflicted all my life but each day he seemed to unlock unknown chambers in my heart and made my body and mind yearn for the mysteries that seemed to want to escape from within him. My steel veil started falling off as he became the father I never had .In my most vulnerable moments he never lay a hand on me. So many chances he had to unlock the secret vaults unknown to anyone, but he would hold himself and saying he waited for when he was sure I was ready for it Those words just made me surrender my world to him and I never felt secure around a person. I let out my longing for man’s approval gush out to him. I never wanted to lose him like I did with the man who ran away from his responsibility depriving me of the privilege of having someone to call my father. If I could put a word to it, it had to be love. It was powerful and indescribable. It consumed me and made me lay myself for him to devour. His eyes were so sincere that I saw eternity in them, and they promised never to let me go.

My heart and body was ready for him. His patience and constant reassurances had chased away all the fear and anxiety in me. On that night the fire was about to die out on the fireplace… He had made hot chocolate and we were facing each other as he read to me a story he had been working on. He paused and I was lost in his eyes and soon his warm lips parted mine as I closed my eyes. The pleasure was so intense as I lay myself down, surrendering my body for him to explore its hills, contours and hidden caves. He then looked me straight in the eyes and softy asked if I was ready. I then deeply kissed him and I felt his throbbing manhood on my thigh. I wanted it. I wanted to feel it. I was curious how it would feel inside me. I was not afraid anymore. I parted my legs to allow him in. I felt an excruciating piercing pain as he thrust himself in me. I clenched my teeth and his warm eyes blew the pain away. He eventually gave a loud moan and collapsed on top of me as if I had sucked all the life out of him. We then lay next to each other in silence. As the night progressed his snores were the background music to a new phase in our relationship. Little did I know…

I went back to my place but was eager to meet him again. I tried calling but he did not respond to my calls. However I did not get worried because I felt secure in what we had shared. Things started changing. Suddenly the fire in his eyes had burnt out. He was now too busy and seemed to avoid me. I found comfort by convincing myself that he was truly busy. It felt strange that I was suddenly no longer being called Mother Mary, I became paranoid wondering if the whole world could see through me and his absence made it unbearable. My world crashed when some of my friends welcomed me to their league. You could see the evilness in their eyes and the joy they found in my misery. He obviously had bragged his triumph to everyone. Everything started becoming clear, I started remembering how he never responded when I expressed how much I loved him. That intense night we had shared began to haunt me. The pleasure had suddenly turned to dark forces glaring at me. I now relived the pain as the illusion wore off. It became apparent how he did not hold me and how brutal he was and did not consider my feelings when he fucked me. I felt hurt and betrayed and all the sweet and love juices I had turned into vile. He was the hero to finally have cracked open mother Mary and giggling brainless maggots now surrounded him fanning his rotten arrogance. I locked myself up and questioning how I let go of my guard and allow some idiot to go on a ride with my emotions and only dump me on the side of the road like a worthless bag of shit. The hatred and the pain of being neglected by the reckless idiot who just planted a seed in my mother and chickened out started resurfacing. I felt tears burn my cheeks as the evil voices reminded me that I could never claim what I held to but allowed it  to be taken by some deceptive, heartless snake. It was just a game to him but it left a deep scar in my heart making it never yielding to love and deleting any traces of it in my heart and fanning hatred for that species that has exploited and treated women as doormats and mere tools for their pleasure…

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