Call me maybe be part two……..

 

Well yesterday I eventually succumbed to peer pressure. One of my friends is very assertive and cohesive. If he puts his mind on something he wants to see it to fruition. So recently he has been trying to push me to go for a second date with my date from the party who I had developed interests in her brother. We met in town at sunset. We didn’t plan for the day. We just wanted it to be spontaneous. She was looking lovely in her jeans. We started walking, talking about anything and everything. Conversing with her is never a struggle because we have similar interests. We saw a poster of an affordable gig that was going on at one of the cool spots in town. We went there bought the cheapest meal and laughed out loud to the stand up comedian performing. We looked like a lovely couple I guess.. I had so much fun. Afterwards I decided to walk her to where she gets her taxis. On our way there we came across a coffee joint and couldn’t resist the temptation of sinking our teeth into a red velvet cake. We  bought a slice and shared . It was fun and everything was bubbly. Then she received a call from her brother who was in town and was offering to pick her up. Twenty minutes later he arrived. When we saw his car . My heart skipped a bit but was relieved to see he was with his girlfriend. After the party I had decided not to keep in touch with him since I was “dating” his sister.  Anyway as we got to the car he came out and gave me a brotherly hug. Then he suggested that the four of us watch a late night movie. I tried wriggling out of the idea but my date gave me her innocent adorable irresistible gaze and I eventually agreed. We had a great time in the movie. The brother insisted that we sit between the girls so they “to stop them from gossiping”. I was uncomfortable  for a greater part of the movie until she leaned close to me and held my hand. My hands were supper cold so I apologized then she smiled and laid her head on my shoulder. My mind started racing because I really began to be conscious of the intensity of the situation. I loved her like a sister. In my eyes she was my best friend and I wanted the best for her. I wanted to be happy and pretending to be on the same wavelength was keeping her happy but was it going to be sustainable. I now stared at the screen and only saw pictures moving and was now lost in my world. At that moment I could have walked out but I just sat there. Dating her was working to my advantage. My friends and family were happy for me. I could now fit in because I had a girlfriend. I had made all those doubts and suspicions vanish because I had proven to be normal. In other words my world was falling in place because I was becoming typical and living up to societal expectations but why did I feel sad. Why did I feel like I was suffocating myself? The movie eventually ended and i no longer paid attention to what was happening around me. We dropped off the brother’s girlfriend first . All the time we were all quiet and she was leaning on me. Beautiful music was playing in the radio and it felt like a romantic scene from a chick flick. When I finally got home I came out of the car. Ironically she walked me to the gate(that’s meant to be my duty!!) She then turned and said she enjoyed herself blah blah blah before I knew it she kissed me. I was caught by surprise and up to now I don’t know if I kissed her back but what I am sure of was i was looking at the brother’s silhouette when all this was happening. I then hugged her and said I also had a great time…

I watched them as they drove away and my sister came to open the gate for me. Obviously when she heard the car she had already come and was hiding behind the gate eaves dropping. She threw questions from all directions and was super excited and when I got in everyone except for my dad who had already gone to sleep was anxiously waiting to hear how my date went. I just said it was spontaneous and lovely and there wasn’t more to it and my sister mentioned that we kissed and I glared at her. My mother had a concerned look on herself. Its as if she was seeing all the pain I was masking with my fake smile. When I looked in her direction she forced a smile and got up to get my food. I quickly changed the topic. I did not eat much then I went to my room and started crying. I wanted my family and everyone to be happy but should it be at the expense of my own happiness. I did not mind living a lie for their sake. I started thinking of how I constantly judge married people in my shoes and realized how much they go through to eventually reach  that point. I thought of my date. She was a beautiful and intelligent woman. She was well groomed and  deserved the best in the world but she had given her heart to someone who seemed not to feel the same. I thought of how keeping up the charade would probably result in her missing the opportunity of meeting someone who was sexually attracted to her and loved her deeply. All I can offer her is friendship but nothing more. At the same time I tell myself that I should try it out and see where it goes. But its all deception. The honest truth is I do not know what to do now…. How did I get in this mess?

 

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